2023 has been the most transformative year of my life, and I go into 2024 immensely grateful for the lessons I’ve learned and the healing I’ve experienced. The consistent individual and group therapy I’ve done throughout this year has shed light on patterns that were keeping me trapped in unhappiness, and I have finally been able to implement changes for the better. The most impactful change this year was a willingness and determination to experience painful emotions or situations. I’ve learned that running away from pain my whole life wasn’t keeping it away at ALL. Because if you’re always running away from pain, then that fear of pain is running your life. That’s where I’ve always gone wrong. I end up acting out of my true self, and doing anything just to get away from even the possibility of pain. I ignore my true self and end up someone I’m really not because I’m so afraid of the pain of disapproval or rejection. But I just couldn’t do that anymore. I couldn’t be that Alise anymore. The pain of where I put myself was too high a price to pay. So I’m learning to be brave enough to FEEL my feelings. To sit with pain, sadness and my fears, and not run away from them.  And that willingness, that courage, allows the emotions or situations to finally pass, and allows my energy to flow freely again. That empowers me to love myself truly for the first time, and to BE myself. This healing has helped me break out of a long, unhappy rut and led me to wonderful experiences this past year.

The first big milestone of 2023 was changing jobs. Although I’m still with the Administrative Office of the Courts, I left my position at the Judicial Center in Jefferson County and started working remotely out of the main office in Frankfort. The transition was not easy in the least. I finally had the remote job I’d wanted, but it took months for me to finally get comfortable with it and find my groove. It was a huge adjustment socially. Although I really didn’t have any close relationships with coworkers there, the isolation of working from home hit me pretty hard.. For some crazy reason I thought that I was an introvert and would thrive working out of my apartment. But after a few days I realized how much I appreciated the social interaction of the office and how isolated I felt.  I remember talking to Renée about my struggles and saying I would give it until the end of the summer and if it wasn’t working out I’d look for something different. But throughout the summer, I made the adjustment and concentrated on building stronger social connections outside of work, reconnecting and strengthening friendships, immersing myself in the gym and in VOICES. I’ve finally settled into my work routine and am grateful for the flexibility it offers. I come home from the gym in the morning and can relax and enjoy my routine of journaling with a cup of coffee before starting my day. I religiously take a long walk in Tyler Park over my lunch hour. It’s actually been a blessing and I’m glad I stuck with it.

In March, I flew out to San Diego to visit my sister Renée. It was the first time I’d visited her since her move out there in 2015.  I understand the appeal of that part of the country, especially in Winter! The sunrises and sunsets were spectacular.

Renée took me on several hikes over several days, the highlight of which was the stunningly beautiful Torrey Pines on day 2. The colors of the Pacific are really indescribable, and the ocean is simply mesmerizing. We are similarly strengthed hikers, so the hikes were thoroughly enjoyable. And it couldn’t have been a more beautiful day, the perfect San Diego weather that Renée always talks about!

The following day we had a completely different hike in a different part of the city. We hiked almost 7.5 miles up and back to Mount Woodson, at the top of which is Potato Chip Rock (aptly named!).

We visited a beautiful meditation garden, tried yummy new beers, and lastly I had a foggy but lovely walk along the beach on the Oceanside Harbor while Renée practiced with her outrigger team. And of course, can’t forget to mention lots of kitty snuggles!

I’m immensely grateful for the relationship we’ve developed as adults. Renée has been so supportive the past several years. She possesses an uncanny ability to be empathetic and comforting, yet at the same time, to gently suggest advice and counsel from her objective perspective.

At the end March, I traveled to Cincinnati for a long-overdue visit with Rachel. It’s always a whirlwind of activities when I’m with her and Mary Lynn, with days frequently starting at the ungodly hour of 3:30am! The weekend was full of concerts, fancy doughnuts and coffee, new office organization, visiting with old friends, pizza and beer, and ending, as usual, at a church service with Rachel at the piano. So grateful for the long and sometimes tumultuous journey our friendship has endured!

In June, we celebrated my mom’s 90th birthday, and what a celebration it was! I’d started planning this months earlier, hoping as many family members as possible could make it. I even plotted a great surprise for my mom, bringing Patti along for the weekend. But my surprise was totally trumped by the unexpected bombshell arrival of my nephew Patrick and his wife Vannessa, along with their two little girls, Liana and Mila. It marked the first time ever that Mama and several others of us had ever met those cute little girls! I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a dry eye when they all tumbled out of the car! It was the first time all of us had been together for about 5 years.

Last November, I had to bid farewell to my trusty little Toyota Matrix, which had provided me with over a decade of reliable travel and adventures across the country. But in July, I found a replacement that will be my next beloved Adventuremobile! It’s hard to find a manual transmission these days, but I did it. Welcome Toyota Corolla Hatchback.

I wasted no time whatsoever to embark on an adventure, so the day after my new car purchase, I hit the road to North Carolina to visit my dearest kindred spirit, Ab. No matter how many years have passed between our visits, every single time we see each other, we pick up as if no time has passed at all. And, it’s almost eerie how we ALWAYS find that we are on shockingly similar spiritual paths.  We sat down to lunch an hour after I arrived, started spilling our current lives, and were stunned that we’d both been experiencing the same concepts and interests. It happens every single time. The extended weekend passed all too quickly, but was packed full of fun. I even brought the ol’ french horn along for the ride and we enjoyed hours of familiar and cherished horn duets.  Just like the good old days at University of Iowa.

The remainder of the summer and early fall was devoted to two of my favorite activities, bikeriding and hiking. There is really nothing I love more than driving to the Parklands in the dark of the early morning to start a bikeride at just as dawn breaks. Warm summer sunrise rides bring me so much peace. And the pictures can’t even capture the real beauty.

All my bikerides aren’t just for fun, they’re to prepare me for my favorite ride, the Rock the Crater event in Middlesboro, KY. The bikeride is routed through Cumberland Gap National Historical Park, and is beautiful as well as challenging. This was my third year riding this event and this time I upped my game by doing the 40 mile route. After a nasty spill on the second mile on a slippery downhill, I shook it off and finished in a swift 3 hours and 15 minutes.  Next year, maybe 65 miles!

I have hiked in Bernheim Forest for years and years, but I’d never attempted the Millenium Trail hike. Since this was the year to face my fears, I decided it was time to tackle this big daddy of a hike. The trail had been closed in the Spring because of several downed trees from some big storms, but all indications were that the trail was clear. I arrived at Bernheim at 7am on a hot and humid morning, signed in at the trailhead, and started the 15 mile hike. It was a beautiful and peaceful first half of the hike; however the second half was marked by trails still blocked by huge downed trees, giving me quite a challenge negotiating around and through some pretty tricky spots! Took me a bit longer than I anticipated, but I conquered it in about 6.5 hours.

A couple of other favorite hikes of mine are Scott’s Gap Trail and the Red Trail at Jefferson Memorial Forest. The Fall colors were just a bit past peak when I did those trails, but still pretty stunning.

In late August, the Universe brought me a really unexpected opportunity. I’d been going to my gym, The Cav in St Matthews, for over 2 1/2 years, and I saw that they needed coaches. I’d coached for years at DCCF and the YMCA, but during the pandemic, gyms closed and when they opened again, I never picked it back up. But that call for coaches sparked that fire within me again, and so I applied, got re-certified, and started my coach training in September. On October 10th, I coached my first class in about 2 1/2 years. How could I have forgotten what joy and satisfaction it gives me to inspire and motivate people? I’m so thankful to be back in the coaching arena again!

The remainder of the year was full of preparations for our VOICES holiday concerts in December. Not only was I enjoying singing in the chorus and Inner Voices, throughout the semester I was lucky enough to have many opportunities to assist with sectionals and rehearsals. It’s alot of time and energy, but like coaching, is so fulfilling for me. This upcoming Spring, VOICES celebrates its 30th anniversary, and I’ve been part of them for over 26 years. I don’t know where I’d be without the love and support they’ve provided throughout the years. They are truly my second family.

I just returned from a lovely holiday with my family. After last December’s ice and snow cancelled our family Christmas, it was nice to gather and enjoy our time together in the 60 degree weather.

And so, as 2023 comes to a close, I am thankful to be happier and more content with my life than I’ve ever been. Two things keep me laser focused on my continued healing – two phrases that I’ve had tattooed on my wrists as daily reminders to keep me on course. On the left wrist is “Be Brave,” which reminds me to have the courage to face anything that comes up in my life. On my right wrist are the Chinese symbols “Wu Wei,” which the great English philosopher Allan Watts has loosely translated as “always to act in accordance with the pattern of things as they exist.” This one is huge for me. It reminds me to accept things as they are, and to release the urge to control, manipulate, or change the people, circumstances, and events of my life.

I give heartfelt thanks to all  in my life who have stood by me through all the highs and especially the lows.  I’m blessed to have that support and encouragement as I start a fresh new year. I’m excited to experience what this year has in store for me!

Back in July, over the long 4th of July weekend, I rented a tiny little cabin near Red River Gorge for a spiritual retreat. I didn’t bring any books or my computer, there was no Wi-Fi, and the cabin had a TV that I never even turned on. My intent for the weekend was to enjoy nature without any distractions whatsoever, do some meditation and journaling, and hopefully give myself the opportunity for self-discovery.

The simple little cabin was perfect.  I was in complete solitude. Although there were a few other cabins in the area, no one else occupied them that weekend. There was no need for me to venture out in my car for any reason. I had plenty of food stocked up, and a firepit out front with a ready pile of wood and kindling. I could walk out the front door in any direction and hike for miles all around me. It was the ideal setting for my quest for insight.

On the last afternoon, I sat on the front porch in quiet reflection. Slowly some realizations came to me. I reflected that I’m about two-thirds of the way through my life – if I’m lucky I have about thirty years left in my lifetime. I thought to myself, what do I want the last third of my life to look like? What have I learned in my sixty years that I can put into practice to make the last thirty years of my life better?  The first thing that came to mind was to stop being so scared. I’ve lived my entire life in fear. Afraid to do new things, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being wrong, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of not being perfect. I just don’t want to live like that anymore. The second thing to hit me was to stop worrying. I worry and worry. My mom is the champion of worriers, she passed it on to me, and I learned it great. But I’m tired of it because it sucks my life away. I’ve used up beautiful days of my life worrying about things that never happen. I waste my precious life on it. And finally, I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I think I’ve hated myself my entire life. The way I view myself is so critical, so judgmental, so inflexible. It makes me unhappy and hopeless. I asked myself: do I want this last part of my life to be different than what it has been? So, these are the things I want to be different: I don’t want to be scared. I want to stop worrying all the time, and I want to love myself. That’s what I must change in order to have a chance of happiness in the time I have left.

I came away from that weekend with those intentions but struggled to put them into practice. Making changes when you are hard-wired a certain way is one of the biggest challenges we can face. And all the “intellectualizing” in the world will never lead to changes until you go to the very core of your belief system and release and change those flawed core beliefs. I knew that I had some kind of a core belief around unworthiness but had a vague feeling it must be something more to it. And even after years of effort and self-help books and self-help teachers, therapy, and intense inner child work over the past year, I’d never been able to pinpoint exactly what happened to give me those beliefs and how to change them. I felt like I was never going to “get it.”

Then, this past November, I had a hugely triggering event in my personal life. One morning a few days after, I woke up in tears from a vague dream with an overwhelming sad feeling that I had somehow been replaced. As I cried with overwhelming pain, I suddenly realized that this feeling went way, way back. I asked my inner child if she had ever felt replaced like that. Like a thunderbolt, the answer came to me: “When Renée was born.” I was stunned by the feeling of absolute certainty. That was the core belief, right there…finally.

I felt replaced when my little sister was born.

When I visited my mom a few weeks later, I asked her if she could remember what was going on in her life when my sister was born. I was shocked when my mom told me that after Renée was born, she suffered from post-partum depression. She was 31 years old with 4 young children. My dad was working two jobs and couldn’t offer much support. She was so depressed she couldn’t leave the house. She was prescribed medication that made it even harder for her to function. As I listened to what happened at that time, it all began to make sense.

I’ve been practicing a technique of dialoguing with my inner child using a non-dominant handwriting technique advocated by childhood trauma therapists. Your dominant hand represents your adult self, and the non-dominant hand represents your inner child. The switching of the pen between the dominant and non-dominant hand activates the two hemispheres of our brain, and using our non-dominant hand facilitates access to our unconscious beliefs, and those of our inner child. As I dialogued with my inner child about the time my sister was born, I was astounded at what was being revealed by my left hand. My little Alise finally revealed the hurt that I’d felt at that young age. All that my 17-month-old self could understand was that suddenly my mom disappeared. Then when my mom came back, there was someone else who took her attention.  And on top of that, she was depressed and withdrawn. Children at that age don’t have the capacity to make sense of what is going on with their caregivers. I didn’t have the awareness to recognize everything my mom was going through. The only conclusion my tiny little mind could make was that I had been replaced. That it was my fault my mom was unhappy and angry. Therefore, I was bad and must not be worthy of love. Overwhelming feelings of rejection, abandonment, and unworthiness that I have felt my entire life came barreling to the surface of my consciousness, knocking me to my knees. I’ve been replaced. I’m all alone. I’m unworthy of love. These are the core beliefs have stuck with me and wreaked all sorts of havoc in every single aspect of my life. They’ve made me scared of living and kept me afraid to take chances or to make mistakes. They have made me hate myself for being less than perfect. They’ve made me feel unloved and made me totally co-dependent in my romantic relationships, desperately looking for my partners to fill what my friend Barbara calls the “gaping wound of my soul.” I realized too that the devastating heartache I’d always felt after every single breakup in my life actually had this belief as its source – I’ve been replaced.

My therapist has been teaching me that I can’t think my way out of trauma. She has emphasized over and over again that in order to heal and change my stuck core beliefs, it’s imperative that I allow myself to actually feel my feelings, which has always been so difficult and completely foreign to me. I’ve spent my entire life avoiding my feelings. Because as a young child, it was just too much to bear. And even now, the feelings coming up are just as unbearable and painful. But another part of my therapy is learning how to experience these feelings, to develop a mind/body connection and gain the ability to regulate the emotions that arise from my feelings. Then, I can allow myself to experience that tremendous pain I felt as a young child in a more regulated way. To recognize and validate the pain. Then lovingly re-parent my inner child, and comfort her in ways that I’d needed back then. To reassure her that I’m not bad, that nothing was my fault, and I am worthy of love. That’s where the healing takes place and that’s how the changes in my life will finally happen for me. By facing my fears and feelings instead of avoiding them.

I searched for a tangible symbol of encouragement to act as a reminder as I move forward. Almost nine years ago, just before I went on my Amazing Adventure around the country, my dear friend Patti wrote me a note, encouraging me to follow my heart and my dreams as I embarked on a new journey. At the end of the note, she wrote “Be Brave.” I have long desired to memorialize that as a tattoo, but always put it off. A few weeks ago, it finally happened. And now, as I embark on this new journey in my life, I can remind myself every day, every hour, and every minute of my life, to Be Brave.

What a year! 2020 – so many wonderful things happened, but also lots of sadness and frustration and unexpected events. Throughout the year, the lesson I was repeatedly presented with was that no matter how I’d like to believe otherwise, we are not in control of life. People don’t act the way you think they should, and things don’t happen the way you expect or want them to. In the midst of challenges, I become stuck in resistance, overcome with dread that the worst is about to happen. I remember situations in which I have been sick with worry, and I remind myself that everything always works out, and that my worry has no purpose but to take away my peace of mind. I remind myself constantly that the Universe gives us challenges to learn from and to grow, so I must trust and have faith in Universe’s plan, even if it’s not MY plan. I remind myself that acceptance is the key, and that ups and downs are a totally natural state of life. But gosh darn it, how I continue to struggle with this. Isn’t there a saying that the universe keeps giving you the lesson until it’s learned? Good gosh, you’d think I’d learn that by now!

So here’s my look back on my tumultuous 2020!

The year started innocently enough. I had just returned from a wonderful Christmas with family. It was the first time Kat had come with me and we really enjoyed our time there. We celebrated Christmas with the family at my mom’s house, and then spent a couple of days in Chicago with brother Joe and sister-in-law Kathleen before heading back to Louisville. As the new year started, I immersed myself in exercise, re-dedicating myself to cross fit after a two year hiatus. I’d been battling a back injury for about 4 years, and had tweaked it the past summer. After a couple of months of physical therapy, my therapist urged me to step things up, so in October of 2019 I joined Kat at a small but welcoming cross fit gym a few miles from the house. During the cold dark mornings in January, Kat and I would set our alarm for about 4:45, throw on our workout clothes, drink a quick cup of strong hot coffee before heading out for the 5:30am class. We loved our hardworking fellow classmates, whom our coached affectionately dubbed the “Zombie Crew.”

In mid-January, the YMCA at Norton Commons contacted me and invited me to teach my old Cardiofit group fitness class again after about a two year gap. I eagerly accepted and loved making up new and effective workouts for the class. They relished working hard and it was really satisfying to my soul to be teaching and coaching again.

 Back in early 2019, Kat had organized a Mastermind group. Mastermind groups are created to offer support and accountability in a group setting to sharpen skills and achieve personal and professional goals. Our small but mighty group met monthly throughout the year, sharing good and bad experiences, successes and defeats, and laughter and tears. All of us achieved most of the goals that we’d set at the beginning, along with others. In mid-February, we held our final meeting and celebrated our accomplishments!

As a result of my own work in the Mastermind group, I applied to have my master class, geared towards the mental side of performance preparation, accepted at the 52nd International horn Symposium which was scheduled to take place the first week of August at the University of Oregon in Eugene. I had previously presented my master class in early 2019 at a regional horn workshop at the University of North Carolina Greensboro, but the international workshop was daunting and totally frightening! But I faced my fears and jumped off that ledge. At the beginning of March, I was over the moon when my proposal was accepted! Unfortunately, due to the coronavirus pandemic, the symposium was eventually cancelled and I didn’t get to present, but I was proud of myself for applying and being accepted nonetheless.

The first Friday in April was a gorgeous warm and sunny day. The girls were relaxing in their rooms, and I started preparations for dinner. Kat arrived home from work and went outside to light the grill. A few minutes later, the propane ran out and she left to get a replacement tank. Once she returned, I stuck my head out the door to see how things were going and I saw flames shooting up from the open grill. We immediately called 911, but in just minutes, the whole grill was engulfed in flames. The flames found the fence alongside the garage, caught the side of the house and shot into the attic, and soon after that the entire house was engulfed with smoke and fire. Three fire trucks quickly arrived on the scene to try to limit the damage, but in the end it was just too much too fast.  I can’t even describe the helpless feeling of watching the house burn, unable to do anything about it. Fortunately we all escaped safely, me, Kat, the girls, and my cat Tillie.

 Kat, the girls, and Tillie and I all moved into the Residence Inn, intending to be there about 4 months while the house was renovated. Over the next several weeks, we settled in and got accustomed to our new home away from home. It was so nice being back in the East end of town; Kat was only about 5 or 10 minutes away from work and I was much closer as well. My schedule at the Judicial Center had changed in March due to the virus; we were working only 2-3 days per week in order to limit the amount of employees in the building at one time. As spring led into summer, I took advantage of my new found free time and went for long walks in the Parklands, arriving at the Strand trailhead at dawn and enjoying the early morning birds, deer and beautiful sunrises.

As the weeks passed, even the midst of anxiety and uncertainty caused by the house fire and the anxiety wrought by the worsening virus, Kat and I were growing stronger and closer. After over 10 years together, we decided that this was finally the time to get married! Throughout the month of May, we threw ourselves into planning the ceremony, picking out poems and readings and writing our vows. Because of the virus, we had to drastically limit the amount of people we could involve. Our dearest friend Daniel officiated the ceremony, and the rest of the wedding guests included Kat’s daughters, her sister and brother in law, and two of our closest friends. We were married on the afternoon of June 20th, a sunny warm day, on the grounds of Daniel’s church. We sat in a large circle, underneath a huge willow tree, shaded from the bright sun. Kat and I stood with our hands clasped, basking in the love that surrounded us. Daniel’s heartfelt words described perfectly the love we all shared for each other, and the words of our handpicked poems, read by our closest friends, brought us to tears of happiness. Afterwards, we headed into the reception hall, lovingly decorated by my dearest friend Barbara. We shared a delicious cake decorated with a meaningful picture of our love for each other. It was the perfect day. 

Immediately after the ceremony and reception, we quickly changed clothes, hopped into the car and drove up to Naperville for the rest of the weekend. That Sunday was my mom’s 87th birthday and we decided that it would be a wonderful birthday gift to surprise her with a socially distanced visit. Although it was the first time EVER that I’d visited my mom without staying in her house, we still had a wonderful time. We spent the entire visit together outside on the patio, grilled some delicious steak, had a few drinks, and shared lots of love and laughs. I sure missed hugging her though!

Around that time, Kat broached the subject of selling our house and buying something closer to where we were staying. Although I loved being back in the east end, I was initially resistant to the idea. The logistics involved in selling our house that was being renovated, what to do with all our belongings until we found a new house to buy, and if we could even find anything to afford just tied my stomach in knots. Kat was determined to pursue the idea, though, and she contacted a good friend who was a realtor to investigate our options. Our realtors looked at our house, still a work in progress, and determined that selling a newly-renovated house was a perfect opportunity.  We could probably sell it quickly and for a good price. In addition, because interest rates had fallen so much throughout the year, we could indeed afford a house in our desired area. It took me awhile to really get onboard – so much unknown and left up to fate challenged my desire to stay in my comfort zone. But the process was rolling!

Summer was now in full swing. My sweet kitty Tillie, who’d handled the upheaval caused by the house fire so well, especially loved her home at the hotel. Each afternoon the bright summer sun would stream in through the large picture window, and she would sit in the window sill with eyes closed, basking in the rays, or sprawl on the bed in the full sunspot. But as the summer progressed, she slowly started to decline. Her tendency towards stomach problems increased with alarming frequency, requiring a couple of frantic vet visits in July. After some medications, she bounced back almost to her old self at the start of August, but rapidly went downhill a couple of weeks later. It broke my heart to see her in such distress, and on August 23rd Kat and I made the terribly hard decision to put her to sleep. She was such a sweet kitty with a wonderful personality. She’d been through many travels with me and with many others who looked after her during my adventures. I miss her tremendously.

The end of August arrived and we were told that the renovations on our house were close to completion. We upped our efforts looking at available houses, but the market was hot and it seemed like every house we liked was just under contract. Finally, Kat found us the perfect house, literally 3 minutes from her place of work, just outside of St. Matthews. We put up a contingent offer on September 5th, and crossed our fingers that another offer wouldn’t be accepted before we sold our house. To our amazement, even before the renovations were complete, we received and accepted an offer on our house! Everything seemed to be falling into place for us – even the recovery company that was housing all our belongings agreed to keep them until we moved into our new house. Everyone was working to set our closings on the same day; our old house in the morning and close on the new one in the afternoon. But as the month of October went on, the movement towards our closings stalled. We’d completed everything on our end – the inspection, the appraisal, all the financing,  but the buyer of our old house was waiting for a document from the IRS, needed by their bank in order to go ahead with the closing. It took so long that we needed to ask the seller of our new house for an extension – for a short period of time we thought they wouldn’t agree and we’d lose that contract. It was incredibly frustrating to have absolutely no control over what was happening. Our hearts were breaking at the prospect of losing the house. But at the last minute, the document arrived and after 8 months in a hotel  we finally closed on dream house on November 17th.

We looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas in our new house, but we were saddened that the resurgence in the coronavirus prevented us from spending the holidays with our extended families. But something pretty amazing had come out of this – my siblings and I had given Mama and IPad for her birthday and she learned how to text and Facetime! So although I couldn’t  actually be with her for the holidays, at least we could see each other!

Happy New Year to you all. I end with my favorite Rumi poem. It perfectly sums up my lesson for this past year.

The guest house

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
For some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing,
And invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent,
As a guide from beyond.

Dear Universe:

What an incredible year it has been. Thank you for arranging for me to return to Missoula for an entire year.

Thank you for my safe arrival in January, after driving through three days of treacherous winter weather.

Thank you for helping me through those difficult first few weeks after my arrival. I was so scared and full of doubt about my decision to return to Montana and I’m so grateful that you gave me the strength to overcome that.

Thank you for my sweet, cozy apartment with the wonderful radiator heat that kept me warm and toasty.

Thank you for my landlady Bernice, who took care of any issues quickly and efficiently. Thank you for Beverly, who did such a wonderful job keeping my little condo clean and tidy. Thank you for Robert, George, Petra and everyone else at the Wilma for being so warm and welcoming to me.

Thank you for the most spectacular view I could have ever imagined. Each day I looked out my window with amazement at the beauty in front of me.

Thank you for the most beautiful sunrises, the snow topped mountains glowing white and the clouds turning pink with the first rays of the sun.

Thank you for the stunning sunsets and how those sunsets traveled across the sky during the entire year.

Thank you for Caras Park and all the events that took place there this past year: Wednesday Out to Lunch, Thursday Downtown Tonight, Brewfest, Symphony in the Park and countless other events.

Thank you for the beautiful sounding church bell at St. Francis Xavier Church that strikes every hour and half hour. It’s one of the most comforting sounds that I hold in my memory.

Thank you for the Clark Fork River right outside my building, and for how clear and refreshing it was. Thank you for providing a playground for all the boarders, kayakers, boaters, paddlers, tubers, and fishermen. Thank you for how it sparkled in the sunlight and the moonlight.

Thank you for my countless hikes up Mount Sentinel, for the magnificent views it provided, for all the spectacular wildflowers that appeared in the spring. For all the deer I’d see on my way up the mountain. Thank you for giving me the health, ability, and strength to climb the hill easily.

Thank you for every single one of my wonderful hikes in the surrounding Missoula area, next to the pristine rivers and creeks that provided the most stunning postcard views.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for leading me to the Good Food Store. Thank you for giving me the courage to apply and thank you for providing me with a way to support myself in a job with great coworkers. Thank you to Dan Berger, who was such a kind, understanding and flexible boss. Thank you to Rebecca Canfield-Perkowski for everything- how incredible to reconnect after so long ago at University of Michigan! I enjoyed working there more than any other job in my whole life.

Thank you for the safe flight back to Louisville in April to visit my VOICES family and attend their concert. And for the safe drive that same week up to Naperville to spend time with my mom.

Thank you for my dear friend Patti’s visit in May. Thank you for the beautiful weather so that we could really enjoy the beauty of our hikes.

Thank you for leading me to the Self Publishing School writing program so that I could finish and publish The Trainer’s Big Book of Bootcamps. Thank you for guiding me to my editor, my awesome cover designer, and my exceptional formatter Debbie Lum. Thank you for helping me overcome so much self doubt to create such a beautiful product for which I am very proud.

Thank you for that beautiful hike up Lolo Peak in June, and to experience snow on the first day of summer!

Thank you for a glimpse of a moose at the end of my drive along Rock Creek!!!

Thank you for my DEAR friend Laura Bender and her incredible mindfulness meditation classes and community meditation workshops. I cannot imagine not being a part of her spiritual circle. Her generosity of spirit, knowledge and love was priceless. Her classes provided me with a connection to a wonderful spiritual practice, as well as a connection to some really awesome people. I feel blessed to have shared so many wonderful conversations about life with her before each class. She’s a rockin’ cool woman and I’m so lucky to have her as a friend.

I am so grateful for my friend Rebecca. Her unfailing cheery disposition and optimistic outlook in the face of her past adversity is truly one of the biggest inspirations of my life. I’m so appreciative to have a friend who reminds me of my spiritual principles and practices, especially when I’m down. Thank you Rebecca, for always reminding me when I have needed it the most.

Thank you for my friend Amanda. Although I didn’t get to spend alot of time with her over the course of this year, I will be ever grateful to her for introducing me to Laura Bender. And I will forever think of her fondly after meeting her for the very first time two years ago in bootcamp wearing a shirt like this:

Thank you so much for my friend Josie. Not only did she keep my hair looking fashionable and sporty all year, she was a fellow traveler down a similar spiritual path. I’m so grateful to have been able to share my experiences and spiritual ideas and values with such a beautiful soul.

Thank you for all my colleagues, friends and fellow coaches in my QSCA Life Coaching program: Justine, Rick, Alyssa, Monica, and Catherine. You are some of the most caring people I’ve ever known, and we’ve never met!  The knowledge and tools I have gained through this program are invaluable to me and have helped me navigate so many of my challenges this year.

Thank you for leading me to the Missoula Community Band and the Missoula Concert Band. Those ensembles gave me the opportunity to pick up and enjoy my horn again, and to practice acceptance and non judgement of my return to musicmaking. I’m grateful for everyone I met in the bands: Gary Gillett, who had me in stitches all summer long, the friendly and welcoming horn section – Steve, Ross, Merrill Lee, Susan, and Jay, and Amanda, who I enjoyed spending time with as we set up the room for each rehearsal. Thank you for the summer band concerts which took place in beautiful bandshell in Bonner Park, with a great view of Mount Sentinel, in perfect weather all summer.  I’m grateful for that evening we played the Star Spangled Banner for the Osprey baseball game and sat in the stands on a perfect summer evening drinking Cold Smoke and listening to Gary Herbig tell corny jokes all night long. After so many years of not playing my horn, I felt like I was coming home again. I actually think I will keep it up from now on.

Thank you for making it possible for me to sing with my VOICES family at GALA in July. Thank you for a beautiful safe drive to Denver. It was an incredible treat to spend time with my dearest friends. I was thrilled to perform the bourbon song alongside my dear friend Peggy, overjoyed to sing such beautiful music for such an appreciative audience, and so thankful to spend a few days with my sweet Kat.

Thank you for my trip to the stunningly beautiful National Bison Range, where I saw all sorts of wildlife on the two hour drive thru.

Thank you for all my challenges with Kat this year… after parting ways last November and struggling to maintain a friendship with her to developing a more honest, trusting and authentic relationship. Thank you for helping me to focus on unconditional love rather than on the possessiveness of my ego. Thank you for those experiences so that we can now have a strong and healthy relationship. Thank you for Kat’s visit in August. It was one of the most wonderful weeks of my life. To have my true love with me in the city that I love more than any other was truly precious and I will cherish that visit forever. Thank you for the great hikes we took up Mount Sentinel, up Rattlesnake Creek and Rock Creek, for the visit to the Garden of One Thousand Buddhas in Arlee, for the safe drive to Glacier National Park and the fantastic yet frosty Red Bus Tour.

Thank you for TV and cable so that I could watch the Cubs FINALLY win the World Series! Holy Cow!

Thank you for leading Melissa of FiTOUR to my book and the subsequent interview with her. I was honored to speak with her about the genesis of my book and share our passion for group fitness.

Thank you for making it possible for me to go to the Farmers Market on Saturdays where I enjoyed the best coffee on earth!

Thank you for leading me to my spur of the moment decision to go to a Griz game and watch them win!

Thank you for the change in my travel plans Christmas week, which allowed the gathering of Amanda, Stacey, and Whitney, the original MUSTfit 9am club!

Thank you for the physical challenges I’ve faced this year. Those challenges have given me the opportunity to practice allowance and acceptance. I’m also so grateful to have been given the opportunity to work with Tara, the best physical therapist ever who also became a friend – and she coached a mean spin class!

Thank you for the delayed but safe trip back to my mom’s for the Christmas holiday. I almost thought that I might miss it. After being out West and away from them all for the whole year, it was all the more special to be with my entire family.

Thank you for leading me down an incredible path of spiritual awakening. For giving me the courage to challenge myself by stepping outside of my comfort zone, taking personal responsibility for everything I do, and trying each day to be better than I was yesterday. Each year since 2014 I continue to uncover and shed the habits and limiting beliefs that caused unhappiness and no longer serve me. I feel like with each year I’m becoming a more magnificent version of myself. I can’t wait for what 2017 has in store!