Relax damn it!

IMG_2817The initial stop of my journey is a beautiful lakehouse in Tennessee belonging to the parents of my best friend. It’s quiet and peaceful, and I thought it would be the perfect way to start this new chapter, relaxing and clearing my mind and preparing for my journey of a lifetime. But I realized over the past two days that it’s a challenge for me to really relax. I feel like I should be busy doing something productive. Yesterday I settled in, watched the sunset and stayed up to see the brilliance of a million stars in a pitch black sky. Today I got up early and watched the sun rise. I made some coffee, went for a walk, did a few hill sprints, and ate breakfast. I thought alright, time to kick back and relax, so I eagerly grabbed a book; it took me no time to read it. I took a nap, I journaled, I sat in the sun and swam in the lake, but after that I felt anxious and that I had relaxed enough and that I should do something. Clean the house, mow the lawn, do the laundry… all the things that I’ve always done to keep busy. I feel uncomfortable without the structure of a schedule of mundane tasks. I think I’ve kept myself so busy throughout my life that I’ve never really taken time to be comfortable with myself.

The past two days I’ve sat in this peaceful solitude, listening to the sounds of nature all around me. Yet my mind has been racing with thoughts… thoughts about issues that are the source of my insecurities, specifically career and relationship. What will I do when I’m at the end of this journey? Will I find someone to be with or am I meant to be alone? What will my future be?

Although I’ve not practiced meditation or know much about it, I’m trying to quiet these thoughts and instead focus on the moment: the sound of the water lapping on the shore, the symphony of a multitude of birds, bullfrogs, and insects. Because what do all those worrisome thoughts matter, and why even waste energy thinking about what may or may not be, because right now, I’m on this amazing adventure to learn to be open to the Universe and to be ok with myself, in the moment, relaxing in this beautiful paradise.